Sunday, May 08, 2005

I had 19 years to prepare this speech and I still feel speechless. I don’t feel that whatever I say will do justice to the depth of my feelings and my relationship to my father and the situation. Although I’m grown up and have children of my own, when I think of my father, I’m not thinking as a full grown adult, I’m thinking as a 7 year old child who misses her Abba and is waiting and wishing that he would come home. And just as a child experiences the world through their emotions and can’t disconnect enough from them to express them adequately, I feel that anything that I say today can only touch the tip of the iceberg of what I’m really feeling.

Since this is the last time I’ll be in front of my Abba before he’s buried, I want to talk to him.
Although you’re in heaven now and you know the reasons for why everything happened, we don’t and we miss you and have missed you for a very long time.

I wasn’t granted a lifetime of memories with you but I remember those times when you were there for me. You left me with such a special last memory which I treasure even more b/c it happened the night before you were gone. I had a terrible flu and you stayed up with me all night, taking care of me and helping me through my hacking coughs. The next day, I was told, that you called from wherever you were just to find out how I was doing. Although I’m sure you must’ve done that countless times, but the fact that it was the last caring act that you left me with, is precious to me. That one memory showed me so much about how we were your life, I know that we were, since as an adult I now can also understand how you must have been under tremendous stress at that particular time and yet you took the time to be a good father.

I feel so sad for us for all of the lost potential, all of the lost time that we were denied to have you as our father, to be our protector and our guide. As a parent, I can’t even handle the thought of myself (G-d forbid) not being able to be there to raise my children and watch them grow up, to miss out on their milestones in life. That was taken from you and I can only imagine the anguish that you must’ve experienced not being able to be there for us in this world, to be there for our special moments and also to see us go through so much pain and not be able to do anything about it. I’m so sad for both you and us that you were not able to meet Sony and our children, to get pleasure from experiencing our wonderful marriage. At the same time, I believe that at this point, most of the pain is ours b/c you’re in heaven and I feel that it’s possible that you are experiencing all of us in a more real and pure way than you can in this world. I feel comforted by knowing that every time we do a mitzvah or a kindness, learn Torah and teach our children to be good Jews, your Soul is getting pleasure and that can’t be touched or taken away.

Although we experienced a lot of pain in our lives, we also experienced and continue to experience tremendous blessings. I am so blessed to have my incredible husband; he is greater than I could ever have dreamed of. We have such special, beautiful healthy children. There is no doubt in my mind that that is directly connected to your merit’s and your sacrifice.
Abba, this year, certain events including this, led me to see how you really were with us all these years, guiding us and helping us from the heavens.

In a sense, I feel the love and justice of God by this miracle that he granted us to find you and the privilege of being able to bring you to the land of Israel. I am so happy that you will finally have real peace and that we will have closure.
I know that one day we will all be together and understand why everything had to happen the way it did, but for now I need to tell you that I love you and I thank you for everything that you went through and goodbye.